This is a continuation of my story, which starts with me leaving my life in San Diego and going home to Rural USA to start completely over in my 30s. (Start here if you want the whole story). I am writing this story in a memoir fashion, and sharing in small segments (usually once a week). I talk about unhealthy relationships, my struggles with defaulting to unhealthy coping mechanisms, marriage, becoming a step-mom, struggling with infertility, pregnancy loss, financial stress, job stress, and more. I hope that by sharing my stories of struggle with these things, that some of the lessons I have learned might offer you comfort if you’re dealing with similar things. I also wanted to note that my life is certainly not full of doom and gloom, and there are loads of fun and good things I could share, as well, even amidst these struggles. I’m simply sharing the hard stuff with this series to be transparent, to find healing for myself by finally talking about this time of my life, and hopefully this will inspire and help change at least one person’s life for the better.
Peace, love, and rock and roll,
My husband and I had decided to start a family shortly after we got married, because we were both closer to 40 than 30, and didn’t want to wait too long and miss out on the opportunity to have kids together. I think we just assumed it would just happen. Both of us were relatively healthy, so we didn’t think anything of it. But after several months of trying with no success, we realized that the clock was ticking, and it might be time to seek some medical advice.
Let’s rewind and set the mood for this point in the story. I was extremely frustrated with the dynamic in my home, unable to get control over the drama that was constant, stressed and uncertain about running my small business (I might share more about this journey later, but for now the details aren’t relevant), and now I had become significantly depressed about not being able to get pregnant. I was also struggling with making like-minded friends, finding things to do in our small town, and I pretty much felt like I was stuck in a gerbil wheel, just going through the motions and trying not to completely lose my $%^*.
So naturally I stopped, evaluated, and changed my course, right? NOPE! I trudged forward full-speed ahead and went right back to my old habits. When it got too overwhelming, I drank. So of course this helped, and everything started turning around for me, right? Hindsight really is 20/20, isn’t it? NOPE! I started feeling super sluggish and not myself, so hoping I was pregnant, I went to the doctor to find out that I had mono. So I basically laid in bed for a few months, feeling even more depressed, wallowing in my misery.
I eventually got over mono, but everything else kind of stayed the same until that fall when… I finally got a positive pregnancy test! My husband and I were so excited, and everyone we cared about already knew how much we wanted a baby, so we told everyone right away. We bought onesies and toys, started planning for our new life with a baby, the whole deal. And then just a week later, we miscarried. The devastation we both felt in that ER room was something I would never wish upon anyone. And to make matters worse, the nurse treated me like a moron, acting as if I had gone to the ER for starting my period. Apparently their pregnancy test showed him that I had never been pregnant. I explained that I had gotten a positive on a digital test just a week prior, to which he replied that it must have been a false positive. A false positive is extremely rare, there’s less than 1% chance of this happening with a digital test. What’s more likely is that we had a chemical pregnancy, which is basically a very early loss, and that my HCG levels had reduced enough at that point to not show a pregnancy. I honestly don’t really care what it was. To us, it was our first pregnancy loss. I won’t ever know for sure, because that nurse didn’t bother to call the doctor for me, offered me a pad, and left the room. So I got up, walked out of the ER without being released or signing any papers, and went out for drinks. Logical response, right?